2005-01-15 - 11:06 a.m.
Well, I'm officially 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I get more and more excited each day.
I was standing in front of the mirror yesterday (as usual) with my shirt up and Hubby's reaction told me a lot. He said, "Wow! You don't look the same anymore. You look different now...much bigger, much lower." He was shocked and amazed. It does look like my belly is falling forward. It looks like a teardrop now. My boobs don't completely rest on my belly anymore, so I guess I'm dropping. Being my first pregnancy and the fact that I see myself naked every day, I can't really tell. Hubby can, though, and so can people at work.
I never thought I could ever get so HUGE! I pee every two hours at night, like clockwork. I can never get comfortable, but it's not unbearable. My hips hurt like hell and I'm nesting uncontrollably. I guess Jack will be making an appearance soon. And I'm thrilled.
Hubby says it feels like I've been pregnant for a year. He's right...it's almost been a year, when you think about it. I'm grateful I'm not an elephant because they gestate for two years!
We went on a date last night and had ribs. I ate everything I ordered, not a scrap left on my plate. I even beat him when it came to finishing my ribs and au gratin potatoes. I even dragged him to Target so I could get last-minute baby stuff with my gift cards. He didn't really want to go at first, but I told him that I wasn't sure when I'd be able to go back there again. I didn't know if what I had to get could wait, since we really don't know what the baby's timeline is. If he's anything like his Mama, he's got a mind of his own and will come out when he damn well feels like it!
I bought some bottles for my breast pump and some collection bags for my milk, just so I have them on hand right away. My breast pump comes next week, so I'm (forgive the pun) pumped about it! I bought another Diaper Genie refill, some nipple cream, some Desitin, and other necessities to prepare for this next step. I never thought shopping for all of this would make me so happy. I made sure to get two nursing bras and some new underwear for postpartum, too. While I bought 36D's, I've discovered that I'm closer to a 36DD. That's okay because they'll still fit later on, I hope. I have no idea, though. I couldn't possibly fit into anything smaller, either, so I'm glad that I bought humongous and not on the smaller side. They're still a little tight in the cup, though. All I know is that my tatas are enormous and they're a whole lot of fun.
We had a very romantic night. I don't know when we've ever been closer. He thinks about the baby as much as I do and it's great to know he's taking such an active role in all of this. Hubby was meant to be a Dad. He insists on being called Papa, so that's what I've been referring to him as for the last couple of months. He prefers the term Papa over Daddy. It's just the way he likes it. So, I'm Mama and even the dogs have gotten used to those terms.
It's strange to shop down aisles in the store we've never graced before. It's also fun to see the transformation we've both undergone...
from moderately selfish to baby this and baby that. We looked at knick knacks at Target, but not as much as we looked at baby stuff. "I Love My Mommy" bibs are far more interesting now than Asian-inspired lamps and rugs.
Of course, when we got home there were messages on our home phone and Hubby's cell phone from the doctor. She wanted to discuss some test results from last week. She wouldn't say what they were, though, which leads my brain into a tizzy. I had a nonstress test and a biophysical profile, both of which I know were perfect. I did, however, have some white blood cells in my urine, according to the nurse who did my nonstress test. She had asked me if I'd been sick recently, and I was. I had a virus about a week before, so did Hubby. I don't know if the white blood cell thing is anything to worry about, but I'm worried nonetheless. I also had a Group B Strep test done last Tuesday at my doctor visit. That's why she probably called me. Since I see her this coming Tuesday, I don't know why it just couldn't wait until then. She's probably going to tell me that I'm a carrier of Group B Strep and that they'll have to give me antibiotics when I go into labor. It's my understanding that 30% of all pregnant women have it at one point or another and that you can have it one month and not the next. One in 200 babies develop a GBS infection (without antibiotics) if the mother's a carrier and with antibiotics only one in 4,000 do. It shouldn't be anything for me to worry about, but I still worry. Plus, I don't even know if that's why she called us. All I know is that when her messages are cryptic (not really telling me anything), it means she's speculating. Why she couldn't wait until Tuesday baffles me, unless she wants to order more tests and prepare me for them. Who knows?
She likes to do that to me...worry me. She seems to do it before weekends or holidays, but assures me that I shouldn't think about it. Duh. I wish she'd brush up on her people skills. She may be textbook smart, but her people skills are lacking.
Her phone call almost put a damper on my whole night. But Hubby didn't let that happen. He adds just the right amount of levelheadedness to our relationship that it needs. If it weren't for him, I'd be a basket case.
So, I've done my research on Group B Strep and leukocytes in my urine, just in case. I know what I need to know. At worst, I have or am carrying something I don't have any symptoms of. She can't scare me and she can't force me to have my labor induced. She can only tell me what I already know and her consultant can stick it up his ass, since he's hell bent on inducing me, anyway.
Since my doctor's office is closed on weekends and I believe they're closed on Monday for the holiday, I don't know if she'll call me. She said she might try to reach me on Monday anyway. I don't know why it can't just wait until I see her on Tuesday. I wish she'd just think about what she says before she picks up the phone and leaves cryptic messages. It makes me nervous. "Drink plenty of fluids and keep track of your kick count," doesn't seem urgent enough to leave messages on two phones. I feel there's more behind it.
My only consolation is that, even if there is something going on, my baby can be considered full-term right now and he'd be fine if he were born tomorrow. There's no chance of delivering prematurely because he's considered mature now. That makes me very happy. It makes me happy that I've been able to make a baby and carry him all the way to his maturity. I'm anxious to see the measurements on Tuesday because they'll be doing that at the ultrasound. I'll be very excited to see how much he's grown. Keep all fingers crossed, just in case.
With my luck, however, they'll keep me for my nonstress test and tell me that I'm in labor and I don't even know it. I wonder if I've dilated at all. I'll probably have an internal exam and find out anyway.
I get a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions now. Some are stronger than others. My little baby becomes a hard little ball inside of me. It's fantastic to feel the uterus preparing for one of nature's most humbling events. Jack's bag is packed; Mama's bag is packed (mostly); complex carbs for the early part of labor are packed; the house is clean (except for the miles of dog hair that seem to collect in the corners of all the rooms). I have to have my doctor fill out my maternity leave paperwork before I can send it in. My W-2's can be picked up and signed for by whoever I send to get them when they arrive. Lesson plans are done until April 15th. Report cards have been filled out ahead of time already. And next week should be my last week at work for two months, at least. I'm much better prepared than I thought I'd be. It seems that I've covered pretty much everything. All the baby's clothes are washed in Dreft, as well as any item I'll be wearing while I hold him.
The only thing left to do is wait for labor, shave my legs, and put the last-minute stuff into my own bag. I've even packed the camera already (so I don't forget it)!
I'm more excited and anxious to hold him than I am scared. I know what to expect and I can't be any more prepared for it than I am now. My body is telling me things and I need to listen to it. All the twinges I feel inside my pelvis, all the aches in my hips, the dropping, the warm-up contractions...they're all telling me that the inevitable isn't too far away. Instead of delivery being months away, it's only a matter of days, really. The main event is coming and I've got the best ticket in the house.
Until this physical symphony begins, I'm going to take it easy, enjoy these last moments of couplehood with the Hubby, and close the chapter on Selfishness and the Big City Girl. In a matter of days, I can look forward to starting a new chapter on this amazing event that will change the way I live, view the world, respond, and react.
I will join the billions of other women in a very elite club called Mothers. I will join my sister and my mother in a quest to give our children the best upbringing possible. I will begin The Journey. It feels like my life hasn't even started yet, to be honest. Everything behind me is just that...behind me. I have so much to look forward to and so much to be proud of.
I feel more than maternal. I feel earthy and humbled, in store for the greatest reward being human has to offer. I feel that Hubby and I have developed a very strong connection in preparation for parenthood. I feel a love I didn't know I had inside me. While I know I won't be a perfect parent (because there's no such thing), I know I'm capable of doing my best. Giving life to another human being is just the start of it all. It's where we all began and it's what I've been destined to do. All my life experience, all of my ups and downs, all of my greatest moments have led me to this point in my life. I have no regrets, no more doubts, no more anger about any what if's or could have's/should have's. My baby is the very thing that has centered me and the very thing that will mold and shape my future.
I'm not just shaping him; he's shaping me, too. And I look forward to being able to tell him how wonderful it is to finally meet him face to face. I will love him for all the days and I will always be his Mama. Nobody can take that away from me.
My family has been through this with me every step of the way and I look forward to them meeting this fantastic little guy that will come out of me. He is very much a part of them. They will spoil him. They will hold him until his legs turn black from not being used. They will watch him grow and love him with all of their hearts. I am lucky to have such people in my life.
To bring another person into our family gives me such joy. And because it's so near, I'm doubly excited. Hubby's knees will buckle because he has a son to carry on our name. I know my Dad will cry when he sees him because he will be overwhelmed with emotion. I know my brother will cry, too, because they share a name. My Mom will take care of us because that is what she does best and it is how she loves. My sister will never let his feet touch the ground and she will sing to him and he will know who she is by the sweet sound of her voice. And I know my life will never be the same.
It's only a matter of time before I get to meet my new Boss. And I look to it with anticipation and happiness because this is what I was made for.
While I've loved being pregnant, I just know I'm going to love motherhood even more. I can finally fill this house with the sound of a newborn, the smell of a baby, and (eventually) the pitter-patter of feet. Life will never be the same again; it will be fuller.
And I couldn't be any happier about it.
