2004-11-04 - 6:23 p.m.
I think I'm going to miss being pregnant when it's finally over. I know you're thinking, "You won't be saying that in the last month." I, however, really will miss it, no matter how uncomfortable it will get at times.
I don't know how I'll feel having an empty belly. I will miss the subtle and not-so-subtle movements, putting my hands on my belly, not being able to see my toes because I know something really cool is brewing inside. I will miss the intrigue of it all. I know he's a boy, but he's still a bit of a mystery to me. I only know his sleep and wake cycles. I don't know his personality or his smile or his tiny fingers yet.
I will probably be glad to be small again. I do miss that a little. But I've traded it, for the time being, for a way cooler feeling. I get to watch my baby grow from the outside. I get to be round, not angular. I get to park in spots with a stork sign. I get to have men at my beck and call. I get to be a queen because I'm doing something really awesome, starting a new life in this world. I'm having a baby and it's the most amazing thing in the world.
I look forward to Tuesdays now. I get to bring Hubby to the childbirth classes. He actively participated in the breastfeeding class this past Tuesday and he wants to be so involved. I feel lucky. I don't know how other women manage to do it without a man around to help them. He's been taking over lots of housekeeping duties, lots of heavy grunt work, and has cuddled me more and more the bigger I've gotten. He envisions future Halloweens and Christmases and other holidays with his son, as well as our little family as a whole. He is seeing much farther into the future than I am right now. And I love this new man I'm seeing. He's still my husband, but he's new to me. He's a father.
I want to be pregnant forever and again and again. I want to be able to "farm life." I'm lucky. I know how my sister feels. I just hope I can do as good a job as she does.
I'm so round. I've gained twenty-six pounds, but I'm all belly. I look like I have a basketball in my belly. I will miss this. I will want it again and again. I just know it.
But there's one thing I won't miss- a house without a child in it. And I won't miss my "old life." I won't miss not having a family of my own, made up of Hubby's blood and mine. I won't miss being unattached, so to speak. Hubby and I have had a wonderful opportunity to do a lot of things other couples haven't. We've been quite fortunate and the timing of this baby couldn't have been any better. We were definitely ready for this.
I've traveled. I've been able to lay a foundation for a great career doing something I love. I've rented and I've bought. I've had oodles of time with the Hubby and we've gotten to know each other inside and out. We've never rushed into anything in life. We've always walked side by side, even in the deepest, most intense moments. We've waited and we've embraced the idea of being parents. It was time to start a new chapter that includes a miniature combination of the two of us.
This baby rings in, not just a new year, but a new life for the both of us. Our baby, Jack, will be the greatest of all of our achievements. And he will help define our family. He will be our Boss.
No, I definitely won't miss my old life. I will have a new one. It will consist of so much more than what I had before, in addition to what I had before. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. I will embrace it with open arms because I'm ready.
And this is exactly what I wanted to do. I couldn't be any happier about this and I've got a husband who shares my joy. We will be more than a couple; we will be wearing another hat. We will be Mama and Papa, and not just to dogs.
We get to help someone grow, watch someone grow. We get to change the world. How powerful is that? Every child is a hope for a new beginning, a hope for a new something in this world, a way to make it better. We get to do that. We get to affect another person's life and teach it to do good things for those around him. We get to live forever in someone else's heart. We get to make life better. And we get to learn from him, as he learns from us.
I'm nesting hard lately. I feel a powerful urge to make everything ready for what's to come. I've got my lesson plans done up until my due date and will continue to do them for the rest of the school year so that it's one less thing for me to worry about once Jack comes. His room is truly his room now, minus little stuff like curtains and new blinds. After the baby shower, it'll be even more filled and ready for his arrival. Yes, I'm nesting hard. I need to be sure certain areas of my life are in order because a big change is going to occur and I feel the need to prepare. It's a very grounding feeling.
I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel ready. I don't feel scared. I feel anticipatory. I don't feel like I'm shutting a door. I feel like I'm opening one. I feel like I'm doing exactly what I need to do and I'm liking it. I don't miss alcohol. I rarely ever drink. I don't miss going out at all hours. I haven't done that in years. I don't miss hanging out at bars. I haven't done that in years, either.
As far as I can tell, I've been ready for a change for a long time. I've had a lot of fun and I'm ready for a new kind of fun; to see and experience the world through the eyes of someone who's never seen it before. My child will be the child of an English teacher and an athletics store/chain manager. He will hopefully be well-rounded, well-versed, and colorful in character. Whatever he will be, he will always be loved. And he will always be the one gift we were most patient about getting.
He's the unopened present right now, waiting to be opened and played with. I feel like a little kid at Christmas waiting to see what's inside the box. He's the most important box I'll ever open and the most important present I've ever waited for.
He's the reason I exist today and I didn't even know it before. I'm here to be someone's mother, or I wouldn't be here at all.
Pretty soon, my blogs will revolve around him, as if they don't already. And maybe, one day, he'll get to read about how much his Mama and Papa loved him before he even arrived.
I'm making my own history and Jack is helping me write it. Everything else in the past means nothing compared to what the future holds for me. I have a key and it's going to open a door that only Hubby and I could've opened together. It's not just any door; it's the one that opens a brighter future and an even more incredible beginning as parents.
