2005-01-26 - 5:32 p.m.
Today is my third day off from work. It is the official start of my maternity leave. I took my last two personal days on Monday and Tuesday because I can't use those on maternity leave. I must admit, I feel slightly lost and a wee bit guilty about not going to work. However, the feelings are fleeting because I know I'm gearing up toward a much more important event that makes the day-in-day-out routine of working seem insignificant when I look at the big picture.
My baby is on his way. And he's allowing Mama some time to herself before he turns her world inside out and upside down. Thank you, Jack. Thank you for letting your Mama rest a little before you grace the stage.
So, I guess I really don't feel guilty about not going to work anymore. I just wish he were here so I didn't think of these days as being "wasted." After working so long and being childless, I'm not sure really how to use these days off right now, especially without a baby in my arms, even though I know it's only a matter of time. However, I'm so focused on his arrival. I can't wait to meet him and squeeze him and hold him and love him and be with him all the days.
He's going to be (as if he's not already) one of the most important men in my life, for the rest of my life. I just can't wait to see his little mouth and count his little fingers and toes and bring him to the place he will call his home for many, many years. There's so much for him to see and so many important people to meet.
It's safe to say Hubby and I are on Cloud Nine. We're anxious and relieved that it will be "happening" any day now. All Little Jack has to do is tell me when he's ready. Papa and I are, so it's all up to Jack.
In the meantime, I'm going to hope he comes before our due date, so that they don't have to induce labor. I don't really want it that way, anyway, but I also don't want to carry him beyond that day. The only way I'll let them induce is if he goes past his due date. I don't really want to risk having a C-section, especially when doctors are hell bent on it these days (and I don't agree with that widespread delivery technique). If he's not here by February 6th on his own, we'll have to make sure he is through induction. And I don't really want it like that. I want him to do it on his own, but I'm prepared for it if he doesn't agree and wants to stay in the womb. Hell, if I could stay in my womb forever, I would. It's just not practical. Plus, I'm on maternity leave and I don't want to be overdue. I don't care how many women have gone past their due dates. I'm simply not willing to do that. I've waited a long time to do this and to be able to see his face. Hubby and I want him in our arms, even if it means we have to make it happen. Maybe he'll surprise us and come on the 4th, our anniversary.
I need my son. I need to be with my boy. I want him to meet us and start his life on the outside. Plus, it's hard carrying him around. I'm a little person, or at least I used to be. I can't imagine getting any bigger than this and I don't really want to, either. I'm pooped. And I need to see what these past nine months will bring me. Call it selfish. I don't care. I just want to be with my boy, my son, the love of my life.
I will miss being pregnant. I truly enjoyed it and will do it again in the future. I've had a wonderful first pregnancy and it hasn't soured me for future ones. I'm strong enough to do anything I want. This pregnancy was easy on me. I know not everyone gets that lucky, but I did. And Jack will have brothers and/or sisters someday. I can't say I'd never do it again. I know I will.
Labor, on the other hand, is something I still have to experience. There's nothing I can't do, so why should labor be any different? Billions of women have done it, with and without drugs. Why should I be any different? It's pain with a purpose, though. I'll get something out of it and that's the only thing that will keep me going. I get a son out of the whole ordeal. Plus, I won't even know what it's like until it happens. I can't even predict how I'll feel because I don't know yet. That's the beauty of it...the ignorance I have about it right now. What I don't know, I'll know shortly. And labor is the first sacrifice you make when it comes to your kids. You have to go through it in order to get them. If it were easy, they wouldn't call it labor. It's supposed to suck, but you get so much in the end. So, here are some things I need to say to my future son...
Dear Sippy Cup,
I'm ready, Little Jack. I'm waiting and I'm pumped. I scrubbed the stove today and I'm going to make some more bread. I feel the need to do things to prepare for your arrival. While I'm not scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush or alphabetizing all my books, I feel the nesting urge nonetheless. I just want to make sure everything is right for you when you come inside this house. There's so much to tell you, so much to teach you, and so much I want you to have. I can't even make a list because I'll explode into tears of happiness. Maybe a good outburst of emotion will push you on your way. Right now, you're a pain in my pelvis. But I like it because I know it's just another step closer I get to being with you.
I can't wait to see the look on your Papa's face when he sees you. He'll be amazed at how you were able to fit inside me. And he'll be amazed that you're a part of both of us. I've always wanted to make your Papa a Papa. Now, it's so close to happening that I just can't contain my excitement.
Your Punka took us to lunch today. Did you enjoy the ribs and au gratin potatoes? I know you did because you kicked so much it hurt. I don't mind, though. You've always liked meat and potatoes, just like your Papa. I just hope you like leftovers when you're older. Papa doesn't care for them, but Mama loves them. You can be stylish like him, but you must be practical like me. Or you'll just have to be raised by Buddha and Java.
Please come before your due date, Jack. I don't want to be induced. I want you to come on your own, but I need you to cooperate with me. We have a very hard job ahead of us and we'll need to work together. We're partnered in this and we need to work as a team. I want the start of our relationship on the outside of the womb to be a gentle one, not a forced one. So, we need to make a deal. You come before your due date and I'll let you have a set of drums (with lessons) when you're older. I'll let you wear your hair any way you want when you're a teenager. I'll even let you take my car on prom night. If you don't come before your due date, however, I'll make you take accordion lessons, give you crew cuts all the time, and buy a minivan (no offense to minivan owners) just for spite. You don't really want to drive a minivan on prom night, do you? (I'd like to say I'm just kidding, but I can't. This is really important!) I do realize that you could really get me back good for inducing you by being colicky as a baby. But ya gotta remember that I'm the Mama. You might be my Boss, but I'll still be the one who makes your curfew.
So, work with me, Jack. We have a lot ahead of us and I'll always love you with my whole heart, whether you come out when I want you to or not. The only one that can decide when he wants to come out is you right now. Please don't make me wait too long. I don't want to make you come out if you're not ready. You need to understand, though, that Papa and I are ready and we're willing to give you everything you need and want when you arrive.
I love you very much and you'll know it even more when you're on the outside of me. You'll always be my special little man, my little buddy, my pal. And I'll always be your biggest fan.
Love,
Mama.
P.S. I hope you heard this. I read it aloud to you with the hopes that you make it all happen soon. I've waited my whole life to meet you. So has your Papa. The sooner we can enjoy each other's company, the better. And even if you come this Saturday, I won't mind. We can share a birthday, if you like. It could be our special day. And if you come next Friday, we can all share that day because it's the 6th anniversary of the day Papa and I got married. Wouldn't that be a wonderful day, too? Please don't make us wait too long. We have loved you since the day we knew you were inside me. We want to love you on the outside now. It's time.
