2004-08-25 - 9:58 a.m.
Well, I'm back from vacation and a lot has happened. Aside from enjoying the hell out of ourselves, Hubby and I are very relaxed and seemed to have settled into the idea of parenthood nicely. We are more than just best friends; we are more than just husband and wife; we are more than just lovers; we are parents. I have found the most amazing man to share my life with and we were destined to meet. He is pregnant, too. I absolutely love this!
I am so happy being a Mama. I know that I have exactly what I need to be a great mother. I have learned from every woman in my life what to do and when to do it. Now, I just have to get it done. I'm less apprehensive about the birth experience, having surrendered to the idea of an epidural. I feel more at ease, calmer, and more ready than I'll ever be for this to happen. I could care less about how fat I get. It's not fat; it's baby. I feel wonderful and I'm not making anyone around me miserable anymore. I glow because I'm elated. I eat because I can. I am surrounded by an amazing support system and I am grateful for them.
I am showing. You can't just look at me and think, "Is she or isn't she?" You can spot me a mile away. I am pregnant with baby and pregnant with love and joy. I smile all the time. I yell at my dogs less. I worry less. I dread the coming school year, but it doesn't mean as much to me now. Work is a small fraction of my life and what my life will be like after this little bundle of joy arrives. We've picked a name for a girl (which I will tell you right now I know it is for sure, just by how I feel). Her name will be Addison Belle. My Hubby picked it out because that's where our lives began together and they only got better from there; at the corner of Addison and Bell in Chicago. An "e" at the end of Bell is a small compromise, making the name more feminine. In fact, in one of my baby name books, both names are under the list of names that refer to beautiful girls. How coincidental is that? She will not be nicknamed "Addie." If I call her anything other that Addison, I will call her "Sunny." She will be the brightest part of my day, for all the days.
I've started a baby registry with Babies R Us/Amazon.com. It's only just begun, but the realization of everything I'll need is astounding. How do poor people do it? How do they make do without essentials? I want to give my baby exactly what she needs and more. I understand why our parents worked so hard to give us what we needed, and continue to do so. I will not mind working extra hours at all if it means I can give my baby more.
I felt her move yesterday, many times. I thought it was gas, but realized it couldn't be. It was an entirely different feeling that moved from one side to the other. I cried when it happened because I was shocked and all by myself. Could it have been happening and I just didn't realize it? I put it on my calendar right away. I want to remember it for the rest of my life. When I told Hubby about it, he was so happy he nearly burst with joy. He calls me "Mama" everytime I see him now. And I call him "Papa." That's what he wants our children to call him. This is so sweet.
She's an active baby. My mom and sister thinks it's definitely a girl because I seem to be carrying all around. I told you it was a girl. I've known all along, from my instinct alone. When I get my next ultrasound, maybe it'll tell me I'm right. Wouldn't that be something? Yesterday, when I walked into my mom's dining room, she was on the phone with my sister. She almost jumped out of her skin when she saw my belly. She held the phone to my belly while my sister was on it and they agreed it was a girl. They're so crazy. They're crazy about this baby, that's for sure.
My sister will be a Ciocia for the first time. Addison will call her Ciocia Sue. My sister will never let the baby's legs touch the ground and they will turn black from not being used. She will mold and shape the baby's head. My brother will be the only constant Uncle in the baby's life. Addison will simply call him Uncle. If anything should happen to me and my husband, I would want him to care for and raise my children. It's as simple as that. And he wouldn't be alone doing it, either. My family is a resource of love, energy, and help. My nieces and nephews will be cousins and they will love this new addition to our family. The parenting torch is being passed and I'm happy to take it. I see my family as a remarkable group of people this baby will learn from. We are a family in every sense of the word. Nothing can take the place of them. They have been an enormous part of my life and will continue to be for all the days.
I love my baby. I love my body. I love being pregnant (minus the first two and a half months where I wanted to kill everything and everyone around me, especially those with penises). My breasts are HUGE. My nipples and areolae are very dark. My beauty marks are darker. My veins stick out, especially on my thighs and breasts. My face is fuller and rosier. My hair is very shiny and seems to be growing faster. I have a round belly. I have an undeniable pregnant silhouette. I am amazed at what my body can do. And when I start nursing, I'll be even more amazed at the gift I can give my child. On another note, pregnant sex is fantastic. Why didn't anybody tell me this?
I feel very pretty. I notice how different my body feels being pregnant. I feel fuller. I tire easily, but feel amazing after a nap. My eyes sparkle. My skin looks better than ever. Maybe it's the vitamins. I laugh more. I cry less. When I do cry, it's over when Hubby cuddles me. He says I look more and more pregnant each day and he has a spring in his step. I am the vessel which carries his child and he's the happiest man on the Earth. If you could see him, you'd be able to tell. He's not just the father of two Chocolate Labradors; he's the father of a human being, too. There's a sparkle in his eyes, too.
He said it was time for all of this to happen. We did everything we wanted to do prior to this. We started out as friends in college (while we both got our degrees); fell madly in love; lived together for a year (after six years of courtship) before we got our first dog; married a year later in Maui; bought our house and lived in it for a year before we became pregnant (and eight months before we got another dog); now, we're leaping into the world of parenting. It was just time. All in all, we've been in each other's lives for the last twelve years, ten of which we've been inseparable. He's been there for me in my darkest, loneliest, most terrifying moments and has seen me through them unconditionally. He has been my rock. He is to me what I can never replace. He has given me more than I ever could have asked for. And we're still in love, too; we don't just love each other. We're still madly in love. I can't say I'm shocked. It's always been a head-over-heels type thing, anyway. The day I first saw him, I told a girlfriend of mine (who was standing right next to me) I was "going to marry that man." And I did. How about that? Some things, you just know. Kind of like knowing that this baby is a girl. (Gosh, I hope I'm right. Instincts, don't fail me now.)
My baby will be welcomed into this world and loved by everyone around me. She will bring out the best in me, what I've longed to see for a while. I am nowhere near perfect, but I will be the best Mom I can be. I've learned a lot and achieved a lot. This baby is only the beginning of the rest of my life. I am a Mama and I've always been a Mama.
Who knew life could be this good?
(Hey, the baby's moving again. Hee, hee!)
