2005-01-08 - 11:19 a.m.
Well, the baby's due date gets closer and closer each day, as does my anticipation of that moment. I find myself feeling a lot more emotional than usual, too. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know if every woman goes through this right before she gives birth, but I know that I feel awkward lately, and not just physically.
While I can't wait to meet the little guy running laps inside my womb, I can't help but feel a loss of the life I've had before his arrival. I miss many things, like laying on my stomach with ease, being able to turn over in the middle of the night without waking up to say "Ouch," and being able to physically run around wildly in reckless abandon. I miss being agile.
I've carried him for eight and a half months now and I'm dying to see his face. At the same time, I'm feeling withdrawal symptoms of the life I led before he arrived. I'm almost 33 years old and I've had a lot of great experiences. While I look forward to sharing new, great experiences with my husband and my son, I'm also acutely aware that I will, indeed, be sharing. It was so easy to be young and foolish and selfish and independent and carefree. I feel as if I'm ready for this major change and unprepared for it, at the same time.
I don't doubt I'll love being a mother. I just wish that the responsibility weren't so daunting. Everything I do will affect this baby and this family. Every move I make will have a consequence. No more blowing through yellow lights; no more swearing in the car at careless drivers; no more travel plans at the drop of a hat. I will forever be attached.
I'm anxious, apprehensive, weepy, and I feel like a giant water balloon about to pop. I can't get comfortable. I can't sleep. I pee all the time. I'm restless, whether I sit, stand, or lie down. I'm scared. My husband looks at me and I cry. The dogs lick my tears and five minutes later I'm laughing. I don't get it. I feel like I'm not me anymore. I feel like I'm watching a movie and someone that looks like me is starring as me in it. I feel like an emotional train wreck. Am I supposed to feel this way this close to my due date? Am I supposed to feel as if everything in my world is uncertain? And why am I crying so much and not able to explain why? I've always been able to articulate my thoughts well, but the last few days, I can't seem to explain my feelings at all. Other than, "I feel big," I can't seem to utter anything comprehendible. My husband just hands me the box of Kleenex and sits next to me, astounded, but still continues to watch TV (which irritates me). I can't be mad at him, though, because he doesn't know what to do for me any more than I know what to do for me. I just know that I need to cry and be held and feel loved.
I feel like there's still so much I need to do before this baby arrives. There's many last-minute things I need to get before the little guy comes and I just don't want to leave my house. I'm nesting hard. I don't want to move beyond the gates of my yard. I don't want to do anything but prepare my mind and my body and I don't feel like it's even remotely possible.
My breasts feel extremely full and heavy. My belly juts out more than I ever expected it would (although I have no stretch marks yet and that makes me happy right now). I'm constantly awaiting the "mucous plug." I have twinges in my pelvis and cervix and I know what they're telling me. I can't seem to focus on much, except the impending arrival of a little boy who will be the spitting image of his father. I am completely obsessed with checking my profile out in the mirror to see if I've dropped. I'm reading and rereading and rereading again and again how to tell when I'm in labor.
Don't tell me to relax because this IS how I'm relaxing. I'm avoiding many things like disciplining my dogs, carrying my own laundry up and down the stairs, moving anything heavy, worrying about work, etc. I don't shovel. I don't drive fast. I don't walk where it's icy. I don't stress about nonstress tests and ultrasounds anymore. I don't scrub my house with bleach (just the sink and countertops). I don't even sweep because Hubby does all of that for me. I don't even grocery shop. All I do is rest my body, but my mind keeps telling me that the day is coming and I'm going to meet the greatest person in my life...my son.
I need to see his face. I need to smell his feet. I need to hold him in my arms and feed him and keep him safe and warm. I need to say his name aloud and see his eyes and feel how soft his skin is. I just have to do a lot to be able to have that happen and I'm very, very anxious. I don't know when to stop working at my job and I don't want to stop too soon before he arrives. I don't want to wait too long to stop, either. My life is just uncertain right now. What is certain is that it won't be too long before he's screaming for his supper.
I go through moments where I'm happy and excited to moments where I'm disbelieving that all this really is happening. There isn't a thing I don't know about what's to come, but I still feel that I don't know enough. Not only do I feel physically awkward, I feel mentally and emotionally awkward, as well. I just can't seem to focus and a nap doesn't solve it at all. I'm overwhelmed and overjoyed in the same five minutes.
What is happening to me? And is this normal? Does every first-time mother have these feelings or am I just insane? And what do I do in the meantime before my little guy arrives? My mind is racing and I wish he would just come right now so I don't have to feel like this anymore. I wish he were already here so that I could put all my fears and worries aside. I want the next tears that come from my eyes to be the ones I shed when I hold him in my arms for the first time. I don't want to feel so spacy anymore, so distracted. I want to be able to focus on him and our new little family. I don't want to feel as if I'm not walking on solid ground. I want to feel as if I'm the one true thing he'll always have in his life.
I need to hold him so badly right now it hurts. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and I feel like this can't come fast enough. I love being pregnant, but I need to put my lips on his cheeks and show him the world he's been hearing from the inside for so long. I want to be his first love and the one who will love him for all the days. I can't stand the waiting and what it's doing to me emotionally. I just want him here, right now, as soon as possible. I need to feel like myself again, if it's ever possible. I don't even know if I ever will feel like myself again, since everything will change the moment he arrives. I'll be a new person, with very new feelings, and he'll be the reason. I just don't feel prepared enough. I feel like I'm lost and that the map I have in my hand is only taking me so far.
Does any of this make sense?
