2004-08-06 - 9:25 a.m.
Something I'm very happy about:
Today is finally the last day of summer school and I couldn't be happier! I'm soooooo ready for it to be over and to be able to sleep and sleep and sleep. I can actually enjoy the rest of my summer. Amazingly, there's still more summer left to enjoy. I'm so used to working summer school and then going back to regular school a week later. I have almost another month before I start the regular school year, so I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can.
Hubby and I leave for the Northwoods next Saturday, so I have plenty of packing and planning to do before I go. Since we're taking both dogs, I'll need to make sure that all of their needs are met. Don't let me forget both leashes and dog foods! I forget things so easily lately. I forgot to bring the leash when we picked up Java after she was spayed. I forgot to ask my doctor about safe insect repellents when I'm Up North. I also forgot to...go figure...there was something else important that I forgot and I seem to have forgotten what that was! Duh.
So, today is the last day I have to wake up at 5:40 a.m. and leave by 7:15 a.m. I like to take my time in the morning, although I always feel rushed. I start my day so early because there's much to do before I go: I have two dogs to feed, let out (twice before I leave), and cuddle with. I have to take a shower (can't wake up without one), put on my face (which consists of face powder, eyebrow powder, and mascara---anything more is just too fussy to do anymore), and hair to dry (all of 10 minutes since it's only all one length, just above my shoulders). I also have to eat something or allow time to grab a couple of donuts from Fuckin'GoNuts. (Before I was pregnant, I hadn't eaten breakfast for 20 years. Gosh, that makes me sound old.)
Something that's bugging me:
At my last doctor visit, I found out that I gained five pound since my last doctor visit two weeks before. She said it was fine because I probably needed it. I started at 110 pounds (okay, so I was thin as a rail, but I liked it like that) and now I'm 120 pounds. I gained 5 pounds from the time I found out to the time I had my first appointment(7 weeks later). Then I gained another 5 in the two weeks following. I care about my weight more than most people do. I don't seem to mind it, though, while I'm pregnant. I told Hubby his present to me is an elliptical so I can get back into fighting weight (fighting with society). Mom's also letting me have the treadmill, too. I plan on breastfeeding, too, so that will help me melt off the pounds.
My brother thinks I won't be able to lose the weight, but he has no idea how manic I actually am about it. I dread the shit he'll say when he sees how big I'll actually get. I know how he thinks. He doesn't know me well enough to know how or what I think about this very issue, though. Mom thinks I could stand to keep ten extra pounds even after the baby's born, but she doesn't understand how even this little bit of extra weight affects my self-esteem. I've always been pretty lean and muscular. It took a long time just to get used to eating in the morning. Now, I want to eat more and more and I don't even seem to mind it because I know I'll be able to get back into shape easily.
I don't want to be a mom who looks like a mom. I want to be a hottie forever. I can't afford personal trainers or expensive surgeries because my career doesn't depend upon it. But I will be sexy again by next summer. Mark my words.
Before I got pregnant, I could see every abdominal muscle I have. I can't see them anymore at all, which is why I'm so self-conscious about it. My stomach was cut like a diamond, but I chose not to bare it ever. It was my little secret, knowing I was a hottie underneath it all. Now, my pants don't fit at all anymore, only a few. And I need bigger bras...AGAIN. What the hell?
I love my baby and I love my body and I love to eat. I just don't love the extra weight I'm going to gain and I refuse to do the Gwyneth Paltrow thing and gain only a few pounds on a "macrobiotic diet." How vain and sheltered is that? If anything, the extra weight (which is mostly fluid, anyway) will be lost during birth and in the few months following it. I guess I'm just not used to being this big. And it kills me that I'm only going to get bigger, too. (Don't even get me started on the stretch marks I'll get! Since most women get them, anyway, I'll assume it's part of the pregnancy deal and I'll get them, too. It doesn't mean I have to like them or see them as "medals of honor." Fuck that. They're disgusting no matter how you look at it.)
Yeesh. How do people obsessed with their weight handle being pregnant? I don't want to be heavier, but I have no choice while I'm pregnant. I'm not going to sacrifice my or my baby's health by watching my calories, especially now. But I'm scared I'll never be the same again. Really, really scared.
And nobody could possibly understand me because I don't know anyone else like me. Nobody I know obsesses about their body the way I do. I'm terrified right now. I used to think I wasn't scared of anything. I guess I was wrong.
