2004-10-10 - 8:00 p.m.
Well, tomorrow's the big day. Hubby and I get to find out if the baby in my womb is a boy or a girl. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, and on cloud nine all at the same time. I can't seem to think about anything else at all.
Today, I went to Mom's house and she already bought five outfits for the baby. They're all yellow, except for one, and they're the cutest things I've ever seen. I can't tell you how many times I've seen outfits like these, but I never really noticed them until I became pregnant. Baby clothing is so pretty and sweet and it reminds me of the major change taking place in my life right now.
I'm glad pregnancy lasts as long as it does. I need all this time to prepare my head, my heart, and my routine for what's to come. Nine months is long enough to prepare, but you can never be prepared enough for the one thing in your life you've imagined since you knew how to imagine. On the flip side, nine months is not long enough to enjoy the kicks I feel, the baby's hiccups, the signs of life inside me that I carry each day. The feel of the baby's kick is the one thing that can make me forget what I was going to say on a daily basis. It reminds me that there's something very special inside of me and I'll get to meet it very soon. I can carry a child. There's a feeling of power in that.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but I'm also acutely aware of how much more I'll be attached to this baby once I know what sex it is. The sex doesn't matter to me as much as I thought it would. The fact that I'll be able to see if my baby is okay matters more. I will love it if it's a boy or a girl. I just want to be able to see it again before I meet it face to face. It may be the last time I get to see it in utero. I can't even begin to tell you how it made me feel the first time I saw it on the screen. I thought my heart would jump out of my body. I thought I'd seen a ghost, but it wasn't a ghost at all. It was a miniature me and hubby combined. It was our future on the screen. I couldn't imagine seeing anything more precious on that particular day.
I received the confirmation of our breastfeeding class and our childbirth preparation classes. Hubby is excited about it all, moreso than I thought he'd be. He's even been reading a book I bought him about being a birth partner. He realizes his role is just as important as mine and he's a little freaked out about it. He just says that it scares him that there isn't anything he can do to help me or save me or make me feel better. He just knows that he loves me and wants everything to be okay. I told him that my sister told me he'll forget everything we learn in the classes and the only thing on his mind will be that he doesn't want me to die. He agreed with her completely. I told him he's not allowed to get sick or pass out. That's all I want, if he can't remember anything else.
Tomorrow and in future pre-birth blogs, I'll be referring to my baby as one of the names we've picked out already. He'll be Jack Gregory or she'll be Addison Belle. Whichever it is, I'll be happy about it.
This is the greatest thing that could've ever happened to me in my life right now. And it couldn't have happened at a better time. I knew I was needing some sort of change in my life. I just had no idea a baby would impact me so greatly and dominant every waking moment I have. Pregnancy has changed the way I view everything.
I am a mother. I have a little life inside me that is depending on me for everything and will continue to do so for a very long time. Every holiday will mean something different to me from here on. I've had great things happen to me in my life and now I get to see great things happen for my child. I now get to experience the world through the eyes of someone seeing it for the first time. First teeth, first step, first Halloween, first Christmas, first birthday, first summer, first scraped knee, first fight at school, first broken heart, first driving lesson, first everything. It all means more to me now. Unfortunately, I won't be able to protect my child from everything the cruel world can bring on. However, I can instill a fiery will to keep going, to keep forging ahead, to follow his/her heart long after I'm gone. I get to leave a legacy.
As a teacher, I have affected many people's children's lives. As a mother, I will affect the most important life connected to mine: my own child. And I will take that job more seriously than I've ever taken any other job. It will be the one job that means more than any other job in the world. "Mother" is a title you can never outgrow, never trade in, never get fired from. It is the one title that outdoes all the rest. CEO, MBA, PhD, MSW, MVP...they all mean nothing compared to this one. It is the only title that will ever mean a thing for all the days. "Mother," in a nutshell, rocks. The thought of it rocks my very foundation every single day.
It's been said that if you want to change the world, you have to create it. What better change is there than to create a life that can do that? This baby has changed my entire world. He/she can change yours, too.
Ten years ago, I wouldn't have been able to imagine this. Today, it's all I think about. I am going to add a little person to this planet that will be able to affect someone's life who will, in turn, affect another person's life and so on.
This is what it's all about. What I do will shape the future, in more ways than one. Every day counts and I'm going to enjoy the hell out of these days.
My mother has left a legacy, as did her mother, and I can, now, too. There's a lot of power in motherhood. It's what the whole world depends upon. And I can leave my footprints and my mark on the world and know that somewhere I'll be remembered and loved forever and ever.
"Mother" is the only job that will ever count for anything in this world. It's what shows us that there is hope and it is alive in all of us. If it weren't for mothers, no one would be here. And we were all born out of hope for something better. We can create what's better than now. We're all a sign of something better this world now holds. Everyone was born because their mothers sought to change the future. Being given life is wonderful and shouldn't be taken for granted. Being able to give life is powerful and should never be mishandled.
I am acutely aware of why life matters so much. It is the only thing that keeps the world turning.
