2004-06-13 - 11:38 a.m.
Okay, so I'm pregnant now. What to do next? I guess, enjoy it. It doesn't happen all the time and it doesn't last forever, so I might as well enjoy it, for now. At least until I can't stand it any longer.
My mother always loved being pregnant. She said she always looked and felt great while she was pregnant. Since I'm a lot like her in many ways, I'm going to assume I'll feel the same way she did. What's so bad about feeling great during your pregnancy? Not a thing.
I'm very tiny to begin with. (Since I'm from Chicago, I always end my sentences with prepositions. Get used to it.) I weigh 110 pounds right now, so start counting the weight I'm going to gain from now on. If anything, I'm afraid I'll never get back into my prepregnancy clothes when this is all over. What woman doesn't worry about that, though? I'm going to wear my tiniest jeans until I absolutely cannot anymore. I will put them away when I start to look like an overstuffed sausage. Hee, hee!
I worry that my hubby won't find me attractive with stretch marks (assuming I'll get them, unlike Hollywood starlets who miraculously don't!). What woman doesn't worry about that one, too?
I worry that my nearly perfect figure won't "bounce back." I guess I shouldn't worry about that so much because odds are I won't look pregnant when I am. Do you know how long it took to get these abs? I am sinewy, cut like a diamond, built like a skinny black chick, minus the ghetto booty. I have a very Filipino booty, flat-ish (if that's even the right way to describe it), but with hips. I am only 5'2", so I couldn't possibly get too big.
I've always been obsessive about my weight. Perhaps that comes from having an overly critical father who's obsessed with everyone else's weight but his own. I don't have to worry about it now, though. I'll be eating for two. And pretty soon, I'll be eating in the Jewel while I shop. And no one can tell me not to.
I'm so happy about this baby. I will love her/him all the days. (From now on, I'm going to call "it" a "her" because I think it's a girl. Why do I think it's a girl? Because I hate everything that has a penis right now. It's got to be a girl. And since she will be an Aquarius, like me, she will hate me from the time she's 12 until she's 30 because we'll be too much alike.) I will sing to her, rock her, mold her head, shape her into something so beautiful and so loved and there will never be a more important time to do it. I will hold her all the time and feel naked when she's not with me. She will inherit my drive and ambition, but hopefully she'll get her Daddy's temperament. He's much softer around the edges than I am. Maybe pregnancy will soften my character, but I don't want to lose who I am. I just want to add another dimension to myself, put on another hat. She will NOT play hockey. She will fall in love with me and be "on stage" all the time. Only my family knows what that means. She will NOT get my father-in-law's nose. She will have many sippy cups. My husband and I love to say that now. Sippy cup is such a cool thing to say, now that I have a reason to say it. She will take tap, jazz, gymnastics, and ballet, like my mom did for me. She will be a Girl Scout. She will take piano, play softball, and unfortunately, get her heart broken one day. I will be there no matter what because she will be my daughter. She will be a perfect combination of my husband and myself. She will be successful no matter what she does with her life. And I will accept what she chooses to do, as long as it's legal.
She will be a wonderful big sister one day. She will be mine and I will keep her away from all the people I don't like. And believe me, there's a long list of people I don't care for. Some of my cousins will never see her, ever. They are poisonous. They will never get to look at such beauty until they learn to possess it themselves, and even then, it's a stretch that they'll ever meet.
She will learn to be a bitch and get her way. She will learn to play her mother's favorite game..."I Win." She just won't get to play it with me. She will probably crash the family car and I will probably have to punish her by taking away her license. She will one day make out with a boy and I will freak out.
I will chaperone her dances and show up at her school unexpected. I will grill her teachers. I will be up the school's ass like a bike seat. I will protect her and also throw her into the fire when I see fit.
I will give her her first driving lesson. I will expect her to be where she says she's going to be. If she's not, I will take delight in grounding her.
Her Grandma will spoil her and sing her the "Ya-Dee-Da-Dee-Da" song. Her Uncle will teach her about her own car and show her how to check her own fluids. He will be with her when she buys her first car. Her Punka will let her fall asleep on his chest when she's a baby and push her away when she develops her own opinions, which will no doubt differ from his. Her Ciocia will be the best Ciocia ever. She will give her advice on how to handle her mother. My daughter will run to her Ciocia when she can't stand her mother anymore. And her Ciocia will take my side, religiously, unless I am way out of line. I expect her to tell me if I am. Her cousins will be glad to have the spotlight off of them. They will all take turns holding her and loving her as much as they can. Her Gram will only like her if she doesn't cry, but will crochet her the most pretty outfits ever. She will love my baby because she loves me, even if the baby is difficult. After all, I'm difficult and my Gram still loves me. The dogs will not let anyone near her and will bite strangers who try to touch her. They take after me.
No matter what, I will love my baby more than anything else in this world and I will spend the rest of my life making sure she has what she needs, well into adulthood.
I will be the kind of mother my mom and my sister are...
*devoted
*loving unconditionally
*acutely aware of her needs
*defend her aggressively
*show her the right path, but let her pick her own
*stepping back when I need to
*jumping in when I have to
*reliable
*consistent
and most of all...
*forgiving
because I know she will make her own mistakes later on.
This will be no ghetto baby. She will be the person I've been waiting to meet my whole life. She will be a part of me, a part of her Daddy, and a part of everyone we love.
She will be loved so much it will hurt. In fact, she already is very loved. She's inside me and I will be the first one to feel her existence. I will be the first one she asks for when she's hurt. I will be the one she knows the best.
I will never let her go for all the days. And I will say "for all the days" because it's true and I got that from my sister. She will be my joy, my pain, and my life.
She will be mine forever. (Now, let's hope it's a girl so that if I have a son, he doesn't get a complex from this blog.)
I love you, my baby. I loved you before I even knew you were there. You're here already. You're just not out yet.
