2004-10-05 - 4:18 p.m.
People I Think Are Scary:
Britney Spears- treats marriage like it's no big deal; continues to wear outfits that reveal she doesn't have the body to wear them
Jennifer Lopez- same as Britney, but seems like she doesn't have sex unless she's engaged to someone
Madonna- the sound of her daughter reading poetry to her in French is music to her ears (can we say "my daughter is better than yours" any louder?); outrageous concert prices for middle-aged lip sync act (tell it like it is, Elton); Kabbalah and the infamous $35 red string bracelet, Kabbalah water, and the "Kabbalists do it better" T-shirt
George Bush- just that dumb look he always has on his face makes me wonder how he got elected; (does anyone else find that alarming?), coupled with the fact that he's constantly searching for the right word and never seems to find it no matter what he's speaking about
Al Gore- the man thinks he invented the Internet
Hardcore Roman Catholics- they feel their religion is the only one that should exist
Born-Again Christians- how can you be "found" when you really weren't lost in the first place; everyone earns the life they lead; you don't transform into someone new because of "God"
SpongeBob Square Pants- who the hell lives in a pineapple under the sea and is that really feasible?
Scientologists and Kabbalists- cult-like followers are just that: followers
Pedophiles- duh; how do they not scare anyone?
Hollywood, in general- what society places importance on is not always what is normal to the American public
Gwyneth Paltrow- gains fifteen pounds during her pregnancy eating a macrobiotic diet, names her baby (here comes the Bible) after "the fruit that condemned man," and trashes women who have to go back to work after childbirth; what real American woman lives on Planet Gwyneth?
Dr. Phil- thinks he's the only person in the world with common sense; continues to preach what he can't practice at home
Oprah Winfrey- couldn't hold a baby correctly to save her life; has millions of dollars, but no one to pass it on to or share it with; strings boyfriend along for twenty-plus years and can't hold his hand because she needs two hands to carry her heavy purse
Marilyn Manson- just an ugly Jewish guy from a wealthy family trying to get the attention he was deprived of as a child; needs to be noticed to the point where it's sad
Anna Nicole Smith- TrimSpa plus cocaine habit plus eating disorder equals rebounded modeling career; she looked better fat; by the way, where did all that extra skin go and where are her stretch marks? Oh, that's right...her plastic surgeon will be selling them on Ebay after she overdoses
Paul Hamm- this man's voice is that of a castrated Vienna choir boy; Olympic medal or not, this man sounds like a little white girl from a Midwestern farming town, playing with dollies and having a tea party in the barn
Demi Moore- doesn't she wonder if Ashton Kutcher will run off with one of her daughters someday? Does she really think he's not already fucking Rumer?
Nicole Kidman- how can she possibly be taking care of her kids if they're always with a nanny while she's out at premieres? Is that what we call "Hollywood Mothering?" I guess it's more convenient to adopt, call yourself a "mother," and look like you've never had children; vanity to the extreme.
Angelina Jolie- Adopted Cambodian baby with a mohawk; GoodWill Ambassador; tattooed mess; lips that double as pillows; it's way cooler to adopt, that way you don't have to "suffer;" denies her own father's existence; in what way is she cool, again?
Gisele Bundchen- lets Leonardo DiCaprio suck on her toes in a public restaurant
Uma Thurman- man hands; freakishly tall; face like a dinner plate; deformed belly button (have you ever really looked at it? It's huge and dark and it looks like a small dog could fit in there.)
Mike Tyson- Praise be to Allah; rapist with anger-management issues; financial failure
Mary Kay Letourneau- fucks her sixth grade student and gets pregnant; gets convicted and sent to jail; while out, fucks him again and gets pregnant again; serves more jail time; upon her release from prison, vows to marry him someday; all the while her husband flees to Alaska with their four children, changing their names in order to never be associated with her again; she still believes she did nothing wrong and that it's true love
William Shatner- his face and his midlife crisis; tries pathetically hard to appeal to the rap fans and still attract Trekkies at the same time
Wayne Newton- plastic surgery whore
Roy Horn- same as Wayne Newton
Joan Rivers- same as Roy Horn
Michael Jackson- same as Joan Rivers, with an added abnormal attraction to sick children; they should call Neverland "Never-Go-There-Land"
My obstetrician- "What is a birth plan?"
...this list could go on forever...
Stay tuned for updates...
