2004-03-11 - 6:12 p.m.
Today, I feel crushed by my bills. I know everybody feels this way sometimes, but I feel cursed with the inability to manage money. Thank goodness Hubby does the books in the house. I'm very good at making money, but I also know how to spend it, even when I don't spend it.
My taxes are pissing me off because I don't understand why we haven't gotten our refund yet. I believe I fixed the errors they found with our AGI from last year. I put in the wrong figure and went back and fixed it, but they still have it registered as rejected. I don't care that I'm not going to see the money. Really, I already do see where it goes. I'm living in it. Our tax return goes to my mom and grandmother, as it should. That's why I'm freaking out about not having the refund yet. It's urgent, to us. The fact that I owe my mother money and my grandmother money really depresses me. I don't know what I'd do without them. I don't like the fact that we owe them so much. I'm working summer school, too, just to make sure of it. I don't really have a choice. My conscience tells me what to do.
I don't have any credit cards but my AMEX and I mostly use it for gas, cigarettes, and at Walgreens. I shouldn't be using it at all because I bring credit card companies nothing but trouble. In fact, last month AMEX had charges from a place I used THE PRIOR YEAR to get our credit reports so we could buy our house. They made us "members" and charged AMEX $80 twice, once for me and once for my hubby, 364 days later. I've been fighting with the company, cancelled the bogus "memberships" and they don't want to credit the card because it's been over a year. Funny how they charge you at the end of the year for what was a FREE FUCKING CREDIT REPORT.
I feel inundated with all of it and wish I could just crawl under a rock and be alone.
On top of it all, we just got done paying off over two grand on two other credit cards I had ten years ago. Apparently, they didn't show up on that reliable credit report. Now that we have a house, they found me. It didn't show up on the credit report our mortgage came from, either. In fact, one of Hubby's Dad's credit cards was on our loan application (they have the same name). I guess you never really know what's on there. I thought it was all over; that every bill I ever had was gone. There were two from ages ago, supposedly paid off by an ex, and I'm glad they're history (the bills and the ex). We paid them immediately. I never saw it coming, either, and that's what kills me. We're paying everything off we have one by one, but it's hard. No one ever teaches a class on how hard it's all going to be. The most meaningful lessons I've learned in life are the ones I've had to learn the hard way.
I don't know if I'll ever be truly normal. It seems I always owe somebody and it doesn't get better.
How could I ever bring a child into a place like this? The place I'm referring to is my head.
I feel so small.
